technoforum.de: Bin ich verruckt!!! (Was ich tun will fur das Madchen ich liebe)

»	technoforum.de » Liebes/Leben » Bin ich verruckt!!! (Was ich tun will fur das Madchen ich liebe)

Autor

Thema: Bin ich verruckt!!! (Was ich tun will fur das Madchen ich liebe)

Loop_Control

Usernummer # 9434

verfasst

Text ist in Englisch aber du kannst zicher in Deutsch antworten

Heyz people,

I have quite an interesting matter for you concerning a girl i love. I'd like you give some comments so that i have a general idea how others think about the thing i'm planning to do. I would also like to hear something from the girls in here what they think of it.

Well here's the story:

In March/April 2002 an American girl entered the chatbox from Raremusicfinder.com. That chatbox was packed with Dutch people just like me. At that time we formed a small group of friends already. The girls was quite surprised about how friendly we were also against each other.
Well at that time i got in touch with the girl a bit more. She had some problems on which i tried to give her advice. It was all just on friendly basis. But i already got to know her a bit more and especially about the things of the mind.

A few weeks later halfway Mai she really suprised me by saying she bought a ticket to Holland for the coming summer. W00t i thought. Well as reason she gave that she wanted to see the Dutch life. She never expexcted Europe to be this friednly. She still thought it was a small-town 2nd world part or something.

Unfortunately i was aware of this too late and another guy already invited her to stay while she was here. But it was fine with me when i heard that he wanted to organise a meeting at his place the day before Mysteryland.
Plus i found out he could only pick her up at the airport 6 hours later from the time she landed at Schiphol. So i suggested to pick her up..have some chat till he arrives.

Well i was astonished when i saw her at Schiphol airport. Not only she was beautiful i also had an idea of the person behind her regarding some intimate talks we had. We also could get along really well and because she was so interested in the way i live my life i suggested her to pay me a short visit.
Well eventually she did. After Mysteryland she has been some time at my place. It was then at one of my secret hide-outs that i fell in love with her. But i didn't want to let her notice since the difficulties it would bring. Plus i wasn't really assure what she tought of me.

Later on when she got back home and i contacted her she really thanked me. She was so glad she had spent some quality time with me cuz the other guy wasn't fun at all. I was amazed by hearing this. It gave me power to do something with my feelings.

So i decided to work on our friendship. That worked out really well till in October i decided to go to her as a "friend". Well that was my general idea to become real close friends and not only i-net friends. But if there would be a chance for more i would more than welcome it.

The date i picked to visit her was between 6 -23 February 2003. My idea was to find out more things about her in the first week to see how she really is at her own place and to work on our friendship. If she would still be that person i suspect she would be i would really surprise her with Valentine's Day. And after that we would still have a whole week. I set this up so well that she hardly could have suspected i planned this.

Well i went there. Got to know her better and really really got in love. So of course i did my utmost best at Valentine's Day. I gave her a photo-album with my 30 best nature pictures ever shot in 20x30 format. And at the first page i dedicated a small piece of text to her. But as soon as i showed my feelings things went not at all the way i hoped to be. She seemed shocked and didn't know what to do with it. And later on it seemed she pushed me away out of her personal life a little.
So i was very dissapionted cuz not only i didn't got her love but i also jeopardized a possible close friendship with a person that understands and listens to me.

Since i came back i’ve not really spoken to her and nor she with me for 3 months. I was pissed off at myself for a long time and nor did i know what to say to get back that friendship. Cuz in that time everything i had to say had something to do about the way i see her. And she i guess had some time on her own for the same reason…not knowing what to do with me..not knowing what to say.
But at the end of Mai she started to contact me again. Like she didn’t want to loose me entirely. We are on speaking terms again and actually we are having really good conversations since then. And that has given me ne hope and my feelings for her are coming back.

Now i’ll first give some background info about her and me before i continue about the thing i’m planning to do:

She’s 25 years old and i’m only just 20. I know that she’s in or reaching the phase in her life where she has to make her choices for the rest of her life. I knew before i started that this would give difficulities. Simply because it’s not generally accepted that a 20 year old boy knows what real love is and wants to make sacrifices for it. 20 year old boys are still fickle and have got no real life experience.
But as i got so much time to think about this matter (September 2002 – January 2003) i found out that my love for her is true and not just a temporary crush and what kind of sacrifices i do want to make to make a relationship work. You can think of moving to the states…languageproblems etc etc. And let’s not forget how much she means more to me than any other girl.
Yes she really means that much to me. I’m a kind of guy that lives two seperate lifes that i know to combine perfectly. One is my daily life in society…my job, my family, my friends, my study. The other is a life in which my true identity lies. In won’t go further into details. But that second one is the part that has by far the most value to me. And i know that not many people will ever understand this kind of life. I can tell and explain what it is and lots of intelligent people will understand more or less what i mean but they don’t have got a clue about the real meaning. They don’t know how it feels like. And the girl i’ve found is the first person i’ve met that would fit into that part of life. Not that she’s the only one who could understand. But i know for sure i will only meet lets say a handful of those girls ever. So in a way she’s really special to me. I would try my best to win her.
The last thing i can tell that is relevant is that she is very complex. Probably the reason why she would fit into my life and the reason why i’m so drawn to her. She has had a really hard life. She had to overcome many obstacles and she had never known a real home. She was born on the Phillipines. Her mom married an American and she moved down there with her daughter. But that family was a family of religious freaks and eventually after al kinds of problems she divorced and moved to Hawaii with the kids. But her mom couldn’t make it on her own with the kids and got depressed. Homesituation was kinda bad and as soon as she could move out she fled away to LA. She was still yound then and met a guy of which she thought to love. Moved in and eventually this turned out to be a rather bad choice too. So all this has had a great impact on her life. She has built a fence around her and hides all her emotions not to get hurt and show weaknesses. She doesn’t really know how to deal with her feelings anymore.

So given this background info i had the impression that she rejected me on basis of my age and the story i told to her about what i would all want to do. I guess she thinks given my age that i can’t be that serious and that if she would choose me it would be another dissappointment in her life of which she already had to face so many. At that time there was no chance for me to get that fear away. It’s not that she rejected me cuz she didn’t liked me. We got along really well before i told anything. Maybe i’m just a friend to her. But the way she acted after my announcement is not the usual way you deal with the problem that you like someone as a friend but just not as “the friend”. She really pushed me away like she had to make up her mind.

The thing i want to hear your comments on

In July she’s turning 26 years old and i want to surprise her for her birthday. First for her birthday i’ll send a card and a gift which she can really use. Nothing strange so far. But i want to give her a real special surprise too that shows my love to her and the fact i’m not that 20 year old one-day-fly and my feelings about her are true. I still have hopes.

I’m thinking of sending her a letter a few days later in which i do 2 proposals to her.

1 is that i promise to pay at least half of a ticket to Holland next summer or maybe even more if her financial situation doesn’t allow a vacation. I just found out last week she still wants to visit me but she just doesn’t have the money nor any free days. This year wouldn’t work out so next summer would be the best option. Still the free days would be an issue (you don’t get much in the States..practically none) but i’ll ask to contact her boss to arrange the free days off… (or pay him a little in compensation..which i will not tell her btw). So basically i’m offering her an almost free vacation to Holland with this option.

2 is the most important one. I also found out last week and suspected it before that she is really unhappy with her life in LA. She has got nothing down there. Only a few loose friends, a job with no real future and most of all real troubles to keep her head above water. She just not have any support down there. And i suggested to go back to Hawaii again to the place where her friends live and she said that she don’t want to go back. Too many memories she says. So basically she wants to start a life somewhere else away from her past and that place must become a real home and not a monster like LA is. And she actually wants to live in Europe she said.
Well i want to give her that chance for a new start in Holland. I’m gonna sugest to her to come to Holland to my place and start a new life here. If she really wants to do that i will pay for the ticket, pay for the costs to move her stuff to Holland. I would support her in finding a new job. I would do my best to get her into our society and not let left her all alone here. She can get her own room in my parents house. Why in my parents house..well simply because in the beginning she needs people who are there for her. My dad works most of the time at home and my mom only works 12 hours a week. So she would still have someone to talk to and she would get known with familyvalues she always missed. We have a quite good family. In the beginning she just needs that kind of support to not feel all alone in Holland. Maybe later on when she’s used to life down here and found her a job she can move out if she wants to..and if me and her work out really well maybe we can move out together.
I would also like to promise her that she won’t be thrown out if problems occur. And i would like to say that i don’t expect anything from her personally then just become friends. If things do work out i’m there for a relationship with her but if not i will not get angry. So this proposal is also out of friendly love. I just don’t want to see her end in misery.

Now my question to you guys is if you think i’m crazy to do that much for a girl or that you think its sweet or you think it’s not an good idea or whatever. Just share with me whatever comes in your mind reading this piece. And i would love to hear some from the girls in this forum what they think about this.

[ 21.06.2003, 18:23: Beitrag editiert von: Loop_Control ]

Aus: die Niederlande | Registriert: May 2003 | IP: [logged]

Provinzler

Usernummer # 6507

verfasst

also das machst du doch nur um vielleicht eine beziehung mit ihr zu bekommen. also vergiss diesen ganzen kramm. konzentrier dich auf dein eigenes leben.
das würd dich nur selber fertig machen, wenn das mit ihr nichts wird.
wenn du sie wirklich liebst dann tu das nicht. das tut 1. weh, 2. ist es teuer und 3. bringt es dir nichts.
klingt vielleicht ein bisschen egoistisch, aber menschen sind nun mal egoisten.

Aus: Traun | Registriert: Jul 2002 | IP: [logged]

James_Holden

Usernummer # 1937

verfasst

also wenn du das so duchziehst, dann trägst du auf jeden fall eine sehr große verantwortung!!

auch wenn das eigentlich unmöglich ist, wäre es meiner meinung nach besser, zumind. so gut es geht die "liebesbeziehung" in den hintergrund zu stellen. wenn du ihr helfen möchtest (nach europa zu ziehen), dann lieber "als Freund"....

dass du ihr helfen willst kann ich verstehen; auch dass sie unterstützung bräuchte, wenn sie nach europa zieht. aber es wäre dann besser, wenn sie dann nicht zu sehr von dir abhängig ist....the higher you rise, the harder you fall....
WENN es dann mal probleme geben sollte, dann gute nacht!!

ich befürchte allerdings, dass die 2 "propositions" zu viel sind. ich glaube, sie würde sich überrollt fühlen....

summary:
my advice:

baby steps
don't overdo it
ASK her if moving to holland is something she wants
then say that you've been thinking about helping her settle in in holland seriously and for a long time

[ 21.06.2003, 21:31: Beitrag editiert von: James_Holden ]

Aus: Bangkok, Earth, Solar System | Registriert: Feb 2001 | IP: [logged]

Loop_Control

Usernummer # 9434

verfasst

I'll hear her out a little more. Proposal 1 stands. I'm not gonna change it. She already kinda promised to go Holland summer 2004. The problems that may occur are her financial situation or her free days. If one of those two would be the reason why she can't come after all i would hit myself for the head. So this offer stands.

No 2 is what i'm stil thinking about. I know that something in her wants to move away to Europe but that she ain't powerful enough to do it all on her own. So she needs a push from someone to do this one thing in her life that can get her any further. The key issue is when to give her the push.

But i'll take your advice in consideration

Aus: die Niederlande | Registriert: May 2003 | IP: [logged]

Cymorris

Usernummer # 5951

verfasst

Hi there,

I read your posting and would like to give you some advice.
There is only a little problem, because I and all the others here don`t know her character, and for that reason my opinion that follows now, may be right in certain points or not at all. But I think, if you try to see the whole situation from her point of view, you will get some clues about what to do and what not...

First, I like to say some general things - which are important and mean a lot to me - and especially to your No 1 action:

- Never try to do anything secretly !
The probability that she understands your actions wrong in any kind, is really high in that affair.
- Talk with her about your plan and accept what she tells you.
- If she does not agree in any thing you propose, your best intentions are in vain.
- So, don`t try to convince her with any reasons.
- She has have to want, you can not demand things.

Ok, No 2 is more difficult, because there is probably a huge black cloud of uncertainty in her mind.

First, and most important at all is the fact, that she would feel totally dependent on you.
She might be as unhappy in LA as possible, but there remain some important things she has in a certain way there. And the loss of that may scare her to come to Europe. She knows the States, that is a kind of home. Her home country. She knows people there, she has a job, an accomodation ... ?! Maybe not the best of all, but at least anything.

If she would leave all that, there is nothing left, she can rely to. Except probably you. But for her, this all can not be so sure, as you can promise...

And that means for her: 1st uncertainty and 2nd dependence. Try to enter her point of view in these aspects and imagine honestly what you would do...this would be the toughest decision of your live. Because your whole future live could depend on that.

Ok, now my proposal:
Offer her to come to you for maybe one month or two with the option to let her stay longer if she wants it. Try to get some kind of holiday job for her, if possible, so that she has a task or a reason, and doesn`t feel so dependent or even useless.

Everybody needs a kind of "confirmation" (don't know if you can use this word in this context...). Something that gives you self-consciousness...
There are so many things you - and still more I - can only imagine, which are important for here, and I can only say, that this is really difficult ! For both of you.

And honestly, I wouldn`t wonder, if she doesn`t agree with your plans, but wants to manage her life by her own...

I think you noticed that I did not write anything about friendship or even love, because I can give you only advice for the hard facts and not for your relationship however it will develop.

And that is as uncertain as possible. If she really moves to you, you could marry and have children one day, or she gets to know someone else and doesn`t want to know anything about you any more. Maybe still in the States this year, maybe after having moved to you...

Last sentence:
She probably means everything to you, but you do not know what you mean to her; or at least how she really feels.

Have a nice day.

Aus: Würzburg | Registriert: May 2002 | IP: [logged]

Loop_Control

Usernummer # 9434

verfasst

Zitat:
Ursprünglich geschrieben von: Cymorris:

Ok, now my proposal:
Offer her to come to you for maybe one month or two with the option to let her stay longer if she wants it. Try to get some kind of holiday job for her, if possible, so that she has a task or a reason, and doesn`t feel so dependent or even useless.

Everybody needs a kind of "confirmation" (don't know if you can use this word in this context...). Something that gives you self-consciousness...
There are so many things you - and still more I - can only imagine, which are important for here, and I can only say, that this is really difficult ! For both of you.

And honestly, I wouldn`t wonder, if she doesn`t agree with your plans, but wants to manage her life by her own...

Last sentence:
She probably means everything to you, but you do not know what you mean to her; or at least how she really feels.

Have a nice day.

Well thanx for the reaction. Most things i heard even from friends are not that positive about no2. I realize now that i might be in a too early stage to offer her this.
And yes its so true that i don't know yet what i mean to her. So i'll place no2 in the closet and maybe i'll get it out for the right occasion. I guess i have to know her a little more and especially i need to be almost sure i'm important to her in any way.

But i will follow up no1 except of the fact that i will play open card with her like you said. So that she knows i will contact hetr boss etc. Good thinking to not do this behind her back.

But what you suggested to do if it may ever be the right time to go to step no2....letting her come over...it might be a really good idea to offer a more or less trail period if it's possible. To let her get over here at see what she thinks of it. If it ain't what she expected she can always go back. Actually a really good plan. I'll keep that in mind.

Things like what you suggested i can really use...thnx again. You see the general idea from what i want to accomplish stands. And i don't want anyone to tell me that she ain't worth it and that i should get it out of my head. But i can use advice from people about how to take the steps and what to do and what not to do for her and my own good.

So once agin thanx....appreciated

Aus: die Niederlande | Registriert: May 2003 | IP: [logged]

silicon
AErodynamic
Usernummer # 503

verfasst

@Cymorris: Absolutely word!

@Loop_Control:

Last year I was in a similarly situation. I was 21 and she was 26. She went from Stuttgart to Munich and had only a few friends over here. The difference between our age was no problem. That was what we thought. She said that I´m the perfect man for her and she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. The same that I thought. Everything was fine. We had a really great time and nobody had ever thougt that something gonna happen so fast.
she felt in love with her older department manager, and the game was over. Nobody understood this and it was a bad but neccessary experience.

Now I´m really happy with my new girl-friend, since 7 month now, longer than the last relationship. and everything is better than it was before. I never think about her, only in special moments and I smile, because I have lost her to find a better one.

The thing that I want to tell you, is that everything can change so fast, and especially older Women, I think between 25-30 years can turn so fast and make mistakes because they feel they must steer there whole life in the right direction maybe forever.

And if both didn´t fall in love, it is not possible to force this.

You are young, you have the chance to meet so many girl in the future, with the character you want, you need.

you will see.

cheers,
silicon

Aus: Universe | Registriert: May 2000 | IP: [logged]

Cymorris

Usernummer # 5951

verfasst

@ silicon: Danke und auch: Word !

@Loop_Control: You're welcome.

What silicon said, is very similar to what I wanted to express, too.
Even if I don`t think that it has something to do with her age, but keep in mind that it is still a long time until next year.

You can`t influence what "happens" to her in the States, so please do not rely too strong or absolutely on your plan.
It is definitely a great gift that you offer to her, but she will decide to take it or not.

And I also think she will have enough time to think about it and hopefully decides to your favour ...

...so, Best wishes for that.

Aus: Würzburg | Registriert: May 2002 | IP: [logged]

Loop_Control

Usernummer # 9434

verfasst

Zitat:
Ursprünglich geschrieben von: silicon:
@Cymorris: Absolutely word!

@Loop_Control:

And if both didn´t fall in love, it is not possible to force this.

You are young, you have the chance to meet so many girl in the future, with the character you want, you need.

you will see.

cheers,
silicon

No i don't want to force.. If she would have said just no to me i wouldn't come up with this kind of plans in the first place. Thats the main thing...she never said actually what she thought of me. Can mean diverse things like that she didn't want to hurt my feelings or she was testing me or she isn't sure what to do with the whole matter or maybe even she just didn't want to say anything so that i would get frustrated afterwards and loose interest in her on a very subtle way. I just don't know but my guess is that given the fact that we are talking agian that she just doesn't know what to think of it.

And about the fact i'm young.. its true but with my selfknowledge i just know i won't get many chances. I guess i know too much to soon. Sometimes that makes me really sad. A perfect example of knowledge = pain.

Aus: die Niederlande | Registriert: May 2003 | IP: [logged]

Loop_Control

Usernummer # 9434

verfasst

@Cymorris:

pff ...*sighs*

well at least i tried...and i tried far more than most people would ever go. Maybe i'm just not of this modern world anymore....somebody shoot me [Razz]

Aus: die Niederlande | Registriert: May 2003 | IP: [logged]

Druckversion